I am currently in my depression phase, as for your information I am a bipolar person. So this is me, sitting in a fast food restaurant with my little sister having dinner. We wanted to buy comic actually, but something ruined the whole story. Somebody, who I don’t suppose to mention, just intends to go with us. Actually, nothing was wrong with that, except the fact that she hated me. I know it. Everyday before saying good bye on my way to school, she never responds anything. She even doesn’t answer my question whenever I try to care. So I come to a point where I don’t even care. But something happened. She tries to show people that I am the one who start these all.
Of course, I try to defend myself, knowing no one else will do it. Life seems harder for me, as being born as a bipolar person in a family who don’t even care about it. I once told my sister about my feeling and ended up with her sayings,” you have a bad life. Just suck it.”
And now I understand what other bipolar people worldwide feel. The feeling of being left, the urgency to take the blame for being disability, and the guilty everytime you accidentally hurt people. I wish my family cared and gave a shit about bipolar disorder. But uh, what we commonly find are, “I am sick of your bipolar. Grow up!” Or ” Just get over it!”
Hi everybody, I finally start keeping in touch with my blog again. Not only looking for funny and hilarious pictures, but also seeking for inspiration.
Anyway, I turned 20 this September 24th. And what I remembered was not only what people gave to me on my birthday, but also what they had taught me for these 20 years.
Looking back, I’m proud for all the progress I’ve achieved. Having been bullied and judged by my society as a trash, I began my journey to step out from my comfort zone as soon as my mom passed away. Born as a woman in a bataknese family with no sons, made me want to change my gender once. Hahaha, but it was me. No offense to all transgender :)
Not only the society punishment have I got, but I was also blessed by household problems. Starting from runaway maids, bitching maid, and robbing maids. We have experienced those all. And ah, not to mention a relative of mine, whom my dad helped, that turned my status as an orphan to be a bully object.
Have I forgiven them all? Of course, I haven’t and I won’t! Put aside all the teachings about forgiveness FOR AWHILE cause sometimes God doesn’t even care. Trust me buddy, sometimes God is busy with others’ prayer and forgets to work on your prayer. But it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t trust Him. He,himself, is always being God and all we can do is waiting on Him. Remember, a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. Just chill out when life spits right on you!
Cause sometimes you must accept life the way it is :)
The second thing I’ve learned that you should accept people the way they are. I learned that all people playing role in your life have got some issue with their life too. Either it turns them into shit, or an angel. I’ve reached my limit when I was too tired to please everybody, for instance my family, and learnt that the problem wasn’t on me, but on their happiness in mocking someone. My dad once pointed out poeple raising in broken family, without even realizing that my sisters and me are in same condition. So what can I do? Can I change my parents or the way I was born in this family? I can’t. He is still my dad,anyway, and therefore I learn to accept him the way he is.
He must have gotten an issue that built him the way he is, and whatever it is, I don’t even care :)
The last thing that I’ve learnt is you are in charge of your own happiness. Nobody will work it out for you. I learnt that the more I expected from people, the more I got hurt. I tried so hard to understand my elder and to get close to her as what my family taught me, but I found nothing. Instead, she keeps blaming me for anything, like unwashed dishes, my stepmom not talking to me, or anything else. But anyway, I come to a point that no matter how she sees me, I’m on my way to be a grown up person. I don’t hold any grudge on her, but I expect less from her. In that way, I found myself less hurt. I reduced my crying moments, my self-blaming moments, and started moving on.
I make myself happy. And yes, I gained some weight! But no need to worry, I’ll work out as soon as I finished my exams :)
Have your own time. Treat yourself. Be proud of how far you’ve walked and have a forgiving heart. Cause life will move rapidly and you will find yourself regretting the moments you’ve wasted on mourning over things you shouldn’t even think of.
My advice to you all who still struggle to forgive your self or your life, take the time to look back and tie your shoes to run! Start moving on! So when life tries to chase you, you can’t be tamed. Best wishes for all of you! :)
Looking back forgivingly and starting packing up,
Your bipolar survivor, helena.